Pandas Strike Back

Me and my brothers were just playing in our yard when these American ladies came up and started talking to us. One was very pretty and one was very smart.

One of them, the pretty one, I guess, kept trying to feed us eucalyptus leaves. Don’t they know, that’s what you feel koalas, not pandas! They [koalas] are very annoying. We don’t even allow them on our continent! We kicked them to the curb 12,000 years ago and haven’t heard from them since. I think they ended up in that prison camp island, Australia.

We eat bamboo. It’s much more refined than eucalyptus leaves – and it has more fiber which we think helps to make us happy regular kids.

We play in our yard and people think that we’re so cute. Not all of us are cute. Some of our big brothers went to Hollywood in America and got themselves into a movie. They were practicing martial arts and they starred in a movie called, “Ju-Jitsu Pandas” which they thought was so cool because it had that lady Ms. Jolie. We actually like our own actress Gong Li, who makes mostly art-house movies, better. She doesn’t adopt lots of kids, either. I think she has them one at a time.

(We got a little nervous when that Jolie lady was here scouting for new kids for her family but then she skipped right over China and picked up one from Vietnam. She gave him a new name, Pax, which means Peace in her language. I’m sure he is very happy but it’s kind of funny how she changed his name. I think when you are three years old you have the right to decide what your own name is. Whatevs….)

People seem to think that we are very fat, cuddly animals. Don’t they know that we have to dress really warm to play in the snow? We are really very skinny, but we wear extra padded snowsuits when we go outside. They make us look really chubby. But underneath we are not. (All that fiber from the bamboo helps.)

We got a little freaked out by the visiting ladies because we thought they might really be from the Russia. They kept talking about their “fellow travelers.” Maybe we were very paranoid because they were looking in that book called “Red Channels.” They said it was just a guide for their hotel room TV. OK.

They said that they wanted to take one of us back to America with them for a friend. We didn’t want to go. Just give us plenty of bamboo and our furry snowsuits and we’re good to go. Maybe if there were some girl pandas here me and my brothers would be really, really happy.